Speaking My Mind

I was re-reading my old blog posts the other day and I could hear my own little sensitive voice in between the lines where I typed an extra paragraph or two to include another’s perspective so that no one would feel left out.

This trait is so natural to me by now that it’s actually difficult for me to recognize it and separate it from my other instincts. That’s why not reading my blog for 18 months gave me enough distance and perspective to actually see those moments where I bit back what I wanted to say, or tempered it, for the sake of others. And even then I had times where I failed at including others’ experiences or perspectives.

This is my most important personal strength: the lengths to which I will go to make others feel included. I have staked friendships, my marriage, and my reputation on my ability to get inside others’ heads and address their concerns or hurt feeling in advance. Maybe it’s the inner sensitive little girl in me, or maybe it comes from watching a “popular” girl spit over the stair railing on a “dorky” girl at my private school in 6th grade, or maybe it has to do with Jesus, but including others, and being very careful with how their feelings are affected by my words and actions are very important to me.

And perhaps this blogging break and my foray into HP fandom has changed me because instead of remembering all that effort with pride for my successes and/or guilt over my failures, I was like, “Shit, that’s exhausting!”

In HP fandom, people sometimes discuss things with personal significance, but the majority of what we talk about is characters, themes, and larger issues like forgiveness, mercy, justice, reconciliation, and, um, sex. OK, I guess all of those can have lots of personal significance, but because we are seeing these things though the eyes of fictional characters, it is so much easier to disagree with another person without any hard feelings. There is a lot of "agreeing to diagree" out there in fandom. It's a beautiful thing.

I think I like being a little less careful with others’ feelings. I like that I need to take responsibility for my own reactions to others, and they need to do the same. I’ll never let go of concerning myself with what others think of me. I’ll never suddenly stop thinking about how my words could make others feel excluded. But gosh, I hope that at 31 years old I can finally say my own opinion, born from my own experience, without apology or constant qualifying: (“Of course, not every mom feels this way,” or “Some Christians disagree, but,” or “If you’re a working parent it is different.”) Like I said. It can become exhausting. Let’s just assume that I speak for myself. That other parents/mothers/Christians/Californias/ may feel differently. That I might feel and communicate something in the moment, and with time, I will feel differently about it.

And now for some AU (alternate universe) versions of famous songs. What would happen to art if we asked our artists to keep others’ perspectives in mind when creating?

From NIN (Nine Inch Nails):

Head like a hole!
Black like your soul!
I’d rather die
Than give you control!
[now we could add:
“But I realize you deserve control
Sometimes I just want my own way
Why don’t we try?
Why don’t we trade?”]


And from Alanis Morissette:

And I’m here, to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It’s not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know!
[now we add:
“And I know, that I’m difficult,
And that living with me is not easy
It’s not fair, to expect you
To love me forever when I get so…
So, so, so ANGRY!”]

Other suggestions?

Thanks to Mom Fu for the song ideas.

This Season of Our Lives

Hello?
[The internet echoes.]

Anyone still here? It’s me, your blogging mommy friend, with a new post.
[The internet rumbles.]

Yeah, sorry for that hiatus. I, uh, got knocked up and then had the baby in December and was a little depressed and then dyed my hair purple for six months. But it’s totally back to normal now so don’t like worry or anything. Yeah, been busy. Plus I got sucked into Harry Potter fandom.
[Another part of the internet waves hello. The mommy part rolls its eyes and taps its foot.]

Well, here I am! With my natural hair color (kinda)! Ha ha! Back to write about, you know, family stuff. And maybe faith. And to explain the purple hair thing. And, um, perhaps to explain the Harry Potter thing.
[The Internet stares me down.]

Okay, so, I’ll just, you know, start again, okay?
[The internet sighs beckons me to continue.]

Great! Here we go!

I was at IKEA a few weeks after number 3 was born. I was nursing her on a couch in front of the escalator. There was a mom of a newborn who had her baby in the infant car seat in the front of a huge IKEA shopping cart. She was glazed over, eyes reflecting my own exhaustion and expression indicating that she didn't even know why she was there. I watched as she pushed her huge shopping cart up to the escalator and tried to actually walk onto the escalator with it, unthinking.

Of course, the whole thing began to tip and she awoke from her daze and someone helped her down. She was embarrassed and felt silly, quickly pushing the cart over to the elevators and escaping everyone's looks that said, "You're a crazy woman!" And here is my question: Where the fuck were the 10-15 older women, sisters, aunts, mothers-in-law, that in most cultures and throughout most of human history would have been taking care of this new mother and her baby?

What is so fucked up with our culture that a mom with a week old baby is furniture shopping at IKEA??? She should be sleeping while someone holds that newborn until it needs to nurse again. Then she should nap with the baby. Then go for a walk. Then have someone feed her home cooked food while they hold her baby. Then she should nurse again. But the way things are in our culture, we are expected to get back to regular schedules, lives, responsibilities with very little help only days after giving birth. And we are so separated from those older female family members by geography these days that there really isn't anyone to properly care for new moms as they need to be cared for. At the most, her church probably organized a meal delivery for the first two weeks home from the hospital, but that doesn't even come close to being actual support.

And our partners can support us as well, but even if they are helpful when they come home from work and are a good listener, they have their own responsibility to earn a living for the family, which is their support. The support I am speaking of can not come from the breadwinner, but from others.

This season of life, when a woman is intensely caring for a baby/young child, lasts years, and human mothers did not evolve to do it alone. The nursing and sleepless nights alone are a new mother's evolutionary job (or the job of whichever parent or person is raising that infant). Then eventually, that mom is the one making the food for her own little sister or neighbor as she has the new baby, etc. Why do you think it was beneficial for humans to live in communities??

WE WERE NOT MEANT TO LIVE THIS WAY.

I got into a fight with a friend recently. I know, me, fighting? It was crazy. Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up: I called to ask for her help a couple times this spring, and since we hadn’t spent quality friend time together, it made her mad that I would ask for her help. I apologized for asking for help without first, you know, asking her to get a manicure with me or something. And then I told her that if she wanted to hang out as friends, she could have called me, too. And she was all, “Yeah, totally! So thanks for understanding and for not doing that again.” And I was all, “OK, see if I ever call you to get a manicure again.” And we hugged so I guess it’s alright now.
[The internet looks askance at me and narrows its eyes. This reminds me of the look my mom gave me when I was three and bit my brother on the arm.]

Bitter? You think I sound bitter? Well this is exactly the shit I am talking about! (Wow, being in HP fandom has given me an internet potty-mouth.) I mean, what kind of culture expects a mom of a 4 year old, a 2 year old, and a three month old to have the time, interest, and/or ability to pal around with her friends who have one 3 year old who’s in school everyday? What happened to HER calling ME to hang out, or see if I needed anything? I mean, she pees by herself and showers everyday and can read the paper! I pee with a baby on my lap, shower with three small children at my heels once a week, and wake three times to nurse each night! I read the paper once a month, and found out that McCain picked Palin from my HP livejournal flist!
[The internet links me to thenanny.com, sleeptrainyourbaby.org, and msnbc.com.]

No, I am not telling you all this for sympathy. Nor for advice on sleeping training.
[The internet frowns, confused.]

Are you looking for a point here? Here it is: this is the season of my life for some sleeplessness and for peeing with a baby crawling on my lap! I’m not complaining about being in this season; I CHOSE to be in this season of life when the pull-out method didn’t work, okay? But we weren’t programmed to do it alone, and we weren’t programmed to do it with polished, post-manicure nails holding a margarita at happy hour. And the friend that I called two times in the three months since I birthed a baby with a childcare request should have just kindly said, “Sorry, not tonight,” or “Sure, drop the older two off for an hour while you go to that kindergarten parent meeting.” Not be mad that I might need some support two times! In three months! For an hour of playtime with their kid! I was even going to keep the baby with me!
[The internet wonders if I went to one of those religious schools that didn’t teach about proper birth control. Or if I should rethink what I said about not going to happy hour.]

Dude, internet! How do you think I avoided pregnancy all those years my husband and I had sex before getting married? It’s only that now I don’t feel like using it anymore. And I totally will research better birth control options after I finish reading some more Harry Potter fan fiction, okay?

Those of us with small children, including that new mom at IKEA, should be watching our older kids play with sticks and rocks with 10 of their cousins from a shady spot under a tree where we nurse our babies and our sisters-in-law/neighboring villagers/aunts/friends bring us porridge. But since we can't return to those idyllic days in early human history where someone is making porridge for you and shady trees are everywhere, and since even if we could, we'd be trading our current problems of modern life with ones like death via wild animals or crop failure, we need to reach out to each other in whatever ways the 21st Century will allow.