This Season of Our Lives
Hello?
[The internet echoes.]
Anyone still here? It’s me, your blogging mommy friend, with a new post.
[The internet rumbles.]
Yeah, sorry for that hiatus. I, uh, got knocked up and then had the baby in December and was a little depressed and then dyed my hair purple for six months. But it’s totally back to normal now so don’t like worry or anything. Yeah, been busy. Plus I got sucked into Harry Potter fandom.
[Another part of the internet waves hello. The mommy part rolls its eyes and taps its foot.]
Well, here I am! With my natural hair color (kinda)! Ha ha! Back to write about, you know, family stuff. And maybe faith. And to explain the purple hair thing. And, um, perhaps to explain the Harry Potter thing.
[The Internet stares me down.]
Okay, so, I’ll just, you know, start again, okay?
[The internet sighs beckons me to continue.]
Great! Here we go!
I was at IKEA a few weeks after number 3 was born. I was nursing her on a couch in front of the escalator. There was a mom of a newborn who had her baby in the infant car seat in the front of a huge IKEA shopping cart. She was glazed over, eyes reflecting my own exhaustion and expression indicating that she didn't even know why she was there. I watched as she pushed her huge shopping cart up to the escalator and tried to actually walk onto the escalator with it, unthinking.
Of course, the whole thing began to tip and she awoke from her daze and someone helped her down. She was embarrassed and felt silly, quickly pushing the cart over to the elevators and escaping everyone's looks that said, "You're a crazy woman!" And here is my question: Where the fuck were the 10-15 older women, sisters, aunts, mothers-in-law, that in most cultures and throughout most of human history would have been taking care of this new mother and her baby?
What is so fucked up with our culture that a mom with a week old baby is furniture shopping at IKEA??? She should be sleeping while someone holds that newborn until it needs to nurse again. Then she should nap with the baby. Then go for a walk. Then have someone feed her home cooked food while they hold her baby. Then she should nurse again. But the way things are in our culture, we are expected to get back to regular schedules, lives, responsibilities with very little help only days after giving birth. And we are so separated from those older female family members by geography these days that there really isn't anyone to properly care for new moms as they need to be cared for. At the most, her church probably organized a meal delivery for the first two weeks home from the hospital, but that doesn't even come close to being actual support.
And our partners can support us as well, but even if they are helpful when they come home from work and are a good listener, they have their own responsibility to earn a living for the family, which is their support. The support I am speaking of can not come from the breadwinner, but from others.
This season of life, when a woman is intensely caring for a baby/young child, lasts years, and human mothers did not evolve to do it alone. The nursing and sleepless nights alone are a new mother's evolutionary job (or the job of whichever parent or person is raising that infant). Then eventually, that mom is the one making the food for her own little sister or neighbor as she has the new baby, etc. Why do you think it was beneficial for humans to live in communities??
WE WERE NOT MEANT TO LIVE THIS WAY.
I got into a fight with a friend recently. I know, me, fighting? It was crazy. Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up: I called to ask for her help a couple times this spring, and since we hadn’t spent quality friend time together, it made her mad that I would ask for her help. I apologized for asking for help without first, you know, asking her to get a manicure with me or something. And then I told her that if she wanted to hang out as friends, she could have called me, too. And she was all, “Yeah, totally! So thanks for understanding and for not doing that again.” And I was all, “OK, see if I ever call you to get a manicure again.” And we hugged so I guess it’s alright now.
[The internet looks askance at me and narrows its eyes. This reminds me of the look my mom gave me when I was three and bit my brother on the arm.]
Bitter? You think I sound bitter? Well this is exactly the shit I am talking about! (Wow, being in HP fandom has given me an internet potty-mouth.) I mean, what kind of culture expects a mom of a 4 year old, a 2 year old, and a three month old to have the time, interest, and/or ability to pal around with her friends who have one 3 year old who’s in school everyday? What happened to HER calling ME to hang out, or see if I needed anything? I mean, she pees by herself and showers everyday and can read the paper! I pee with a baby on my lap, shower with three small children at my heels once a week, and wake three times to nurse each night! I read the paper once a month, and found out that McCain picked Palin from my HP livejournal flist!
[The internet links me to thenanny.com, sleeptrainyourbaby.org, and msnbc.com.]
No, I am not telling you all this for sympathy. Nor for advice on sleeping training.
[The internet frowns, confused.]
Are you looking for a point here? Here it is: this is the season of my life for some sleeplessness and for peeing with a baby crawling on my lap! I’m not complaining about being in this season; I CHOSE to be in this season of life when the pull-out method didn’t work, okay? But we weren’t programmed to do it alone, and we weren’t programmed to do it with polished, post-manicure nails holding a margarita at happy hour. And the friend that I called two times in the three months since I birthed a baby with a childcare request should have just kindly said, “Sorry, not tonight,” or “Sure, drop the older two off for an hour while you go to that kindergarten parent meeting.” Not be mad that I might need some support two times! In three months! For an hour of playtime with their kid! I was even going to keep the baby with me!
[The internet wonders if I went to one of those religious schools that didn’t teach about proper birth control. Or if I should rethink what I said about not going to happy hour.]
Dude, internet! How do you think I avoided pregnancy all those years my husband and I had sex before getting married? It’s only that now I don’t feel like using it anymore. And I totally will research better birth control options after I finish reading some more Harry Potter fan fiction, okay?
Those of us with small children, including that new mom at IKEA, should be watching our older kids play with sticks and rocks with 10 of their cousins from a shady spot under a tree where we nurse our babies and our sisters-in-law/neighboring villagers/aunts/friends bring us porridge. But since we can't return to those idyllic days in early human history where someone is making porridge for you and shady trees are everywhere, and since even if we could, we'd be trading our current problems of modern life with ones like death via wild animals or crop failure, we need to reach out to each other in whatever ways the 21st Century will allow.
[The internet echoes.]
Anyone still here? It’s me, your blogging mommy friend, with a new post.
[The internet rumbles.]
Yeah, sorry for that hiatus. I, uh, got knocked up and then had the baby in December and was a little depressed and then dyed my hair purple for six months. But it’s totally back to normal now so don’t like worry or anything. Yeah, been busy. Plus I got sucked into Harry Potter fandom.
[Another part of the internet waves hello. The mommy part rolls its eyes and taps its foot.]
Well, here I am! With my natural hair color (kinda)! Ha ha! Back to write about, you know, family stuff. And maybe faith. And to explain the purple hair thing. And, um, perhaps to explain the Harry Potter thing.
[The Internet stares me down.]
Okay, so, I’ll just, you know, start again, okay?
[The internet sighs beckons me to continue.]
Great! Here we go!
I was at IKEA a few weeks after number 3 was born. I was nursing her on a couch in front of the escalator. There was a mom of a newborn who had her baby in the infant car seat in the front of a huge IKEA shopping cart. She was glazed over, eyes reflecting my own exhaustion and expression indicating that she didn't even know why she was there. I watched as she pushed her huge shopping cart up to the escalator and tried to actually walk onto the escalator with it, unthinking.
Of course, the whole thing began to tip and she awoke from her daze and someone helped her down. She was embarrassed and felt silly, quickly pushing the cart over to the elevators and escaping everyone's looks that said, "You're a crazy woman!" And here is my question: Where the fuck were the 10-15 older women, sisters, aunts, mothers-in-law, that in most cultures and throughout most of human history would have been taking care of this new mother and her baby?
What is so fucked up with our culture that a mom with a week old baby is furniture shopping at IKEA??? She should be sleeping while someone holds that newborn until it needs to nurse again. Then she should nap with the baby. Then go for a walk. Then have someone feed her home cooked food while they hold her baby. Then she should nurse again. But the way things are in our culture, we are expected to get back to regular schedules, lives, responsibilities with very little help only days after giving birth. And we are so separated from those older female family members by geography these days that there really isn't anyone to properly care for new moms as they need to be cared for. At the most, her church probably organized a meal delivery for the first two weeks home from the hospital, but that doesn't even come close to being actual support.
And our partners can support us as well, but even if they are helpful when they come home from work and are a good listener, they have their own responsibility to earn a living for the family, which is their support. The support I am speaking of can not come from the breadwinner, but from others.
This season of life, when a woman is intensely caring for a baby/young child, lasts years, and human mothers did not evolve to do it alone. The nursing and sleepless nights alone are a new mother's evolutionary job (or the job of whichever parent or person is raising that infant). Then eventually, that mom is the one making the food for her own little sister or neighbor as she has the new baby, etc. Why do you think it was beneficial for humans to live in communities??
WE WERE NOT MEANT TO LIVE THIS WAY.
I got into a fight with a friend recently. I know, me, fighting? It was crazy. Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up: I called to ask for her help a couple times this spring, and since we hadn’t spent quality friend time together, it made her mad that I would ask for her help. I apologized for asking for help without first, you know, asking her to get a manicure with me or something. And then I told her that if she wanted to hang out as friends, she could have called me, too. And she was all, “Yeah, totally! So thanks for understanding and for not doing that again.” And I was all, “OK, see if I ever call you to get a manicure again.” And we hugged so I guess it’s alright now.
[The internet looks askance at me and narrows its eyes. This reminds me of the look my mom gave me when I was three and bit my brother on the arm.]
Bitter? You think I sound bitter? Well this is exactly the shit I am talking about! (Wow, being in HP fandom has given me an internet potty-mouth.) I mean, what kind of culture expects a mom of a 4 year old, a 2 year old, and a three month old to have the time, interest, and/or ability to pal around with her friends who have one 3 year old who’s in school everyday? What happened to HER calling ME to hang out, or see if I needed anything? I mean, she pees by herself and showers everyday and can read the paper! I pee with a baby on my lap, shower with three small children at my heels once a week, and wake three times to nurse each night! I read the paper once a month, and found out that McCain picked Palin from my HP livejournal flist!
[The internet links me to thenanny.com, sleeptrainyourbaby.org, and msnbc.com.]
No, I am not telling you all this for sympathy. Nor for advice on sleeping training.
[The internet frowns, confused.]
Are you looking for a point here? Here it is: this is the season of my life for some sleeplessness and for peeing with a baby crawling on my lap! I’m not complaining about being in this season; I CHOSE to be in this season of life when the pull-out method didn’t work, okay? But we weren’t programmed to do it alone, and we weren’t programmed to do it with polished, post-manicure nails holding a margarita at happy hour. And the friend that I called two times in the three months since I birthed a baby with a childcare request should have just kindly said, “Sorry, not tonight,” or “Sure, drop the older two off for an hour while you go to that kindergarten parent meeting.” Not be mad that I might need some support two times! In three months! For an hour of playtime with their kid! I was even going to keep the baby with me!
[The internet wonders if I went to one of those religious schools that didn’t teach about proper birth control. Or if I should rethink what I said about not going to happy hour.]
Dude, internet! How do you think I avoided pregnancy all those years my husband and I had sex before getting married? It’s only that now I don’t feel like using it anymore. And I totally will research better birth control options after I finish reading some more Harry Potter fan fiction, okay?
Those of us with small children, including that new mom at IKEA, should be watching our older kids play with sticks and rocks with 10 of their cousins from a shady spot under a tree where we nurse our babies and our sisters-in-law/neighboring villagers/aunts/friends bring us porridge. But since we can't return to those idyllic days in early human history where someone is making porridge for you and shady trees are everywhere, and since even if we could, we'd be trading our current problems of modern life with ones like death via wild animals or crop failure, we need to reach out to each other in whatever ways the 21st Century will allow.
posted by Sarah at 4:29 PM
9 Comments:
Welcome back. I'm sorry you had a rough patch, but I'm glad you're back on track.
Uh, hi, do you remember me? We were totally becoming internet BFF's but then I locked my LJ and you disappeared. I have actually thought about you off and on, and wondered how you and your girls were doing. Congratulations on the new little one.
I will happily friend you over at LJ and you can read all about me again.
Provider Guardian! OMG. My heart kind of lit up when you wrote we were on our way to internet BFF's! We totally were. But then you went all f-lock on me and I was like, "What's LJ?" so it was off.
Now LJ and I are BFF's but only with my other secret HP identity and I TOTALLY almost friended you as her, but then you would know that me = her and I am sort of trying to be anonymous to those crazies over in HP fandom. You're in weasleysweaters; you should know how they are! I hope you check back to these comments while I decide if I can mix my worlds or just create a new LJ username just for you (and wherever it leads me).
Love! Sarah
oh, this is so legit. I am so glad you are back!
Wow- you are very adept at the faux akward re-entry. Brava!
Great to read from you again!
Oh, I know how the HP fans are. (I mean, I'm a fan, but not part of the "fandom" because my brain doesn't have room for it. But I have seen the fandom.)
If you friended my as your super secret HP-identity, I promise (pinky-swear!) not to out you.
Or if you already have a membership somewhere that does OpenID you could friend me that way. Or, uh...
I'm also available on facebook and flickr, and through my shared items on Google Reader if you use it. (My life is very public, if only you know how to find me.)
Or I could just keep reading your blog and posting overly long comments. :)
And that is why we drive to Lake Forest more than is logical. Also, IKEA is the new shady patch, hello? Cheap brekkie and smaland? Give that mom a few months, she only needed a couple of girlfriends with her to help her off the escalator. And I know you know the answer for happy hour with small children... wine!
I friended you with a NEW lj identity. But now lj won't verify my email address...argh. I'm sure that will sort out in a few hours and you can friend me properly later today, 'kay? I am still keeping my super-secret HP identity, well, super secret. To protect myself from the crazies.
Welcome back, Sarah! Boy, have I missed your blog! It's my little taste of Sarah even when I'm so far away and I love it!
Hey Sarah...Love the comments about striving to show that you understand and respect the perspectives of others...going to lengths to not overtly offend anyone, etc. I do that quite often--because I DO respect the perspectives of others, even if I feel strongly about something. Sometimes the truth suffers for this. I also have a friend (no children) who actually disowned me for 6 years (until she needed me for advice and the understanding she knew I would provide), and then a few years later had to take our level of intimacy down another notch because I was "not meeting {her} needs". Feel free to call or write if you need a friend--regardless of whether or not we have "manicured" (what's that??) together. Love your blog!
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