Speaking My Mind

I was re-reading my old blog posts the other day and I could hear my own little sensitive voice in between the lines where I typed an extra paragraph or two to include another’s perspective so that no one would feel left out.

This trait is so natural to me by now that it’s actually difficult for me to recognize it and separate it from my other instincts. That’s why not reading my blog for 18 months gave me enough distance and perspective to actually see those moments where I bit back what I wanted to say, or tempered it, for the sake of others. And even then I had times where I failed at including others’ experiences or perspectives.

This is my most important personal strength: the lengths to which I will go to make others feel included. I have staked friendships, my marriage, and my reputation on my ability to get inside others’ heads and address their concerns or hurt feeling in advance. Maybe it’s the inner sensitive little girl in me, or maybe it comes from watching a “popular” girl spit over the stair railing on a “dorky” girl at my private school in 6th grade, or maybe it has to do with Jesus, but including others, and being very careful with how their feelings are affected by my words and actions are very important to me.

And perhaps this blogging break and my foray into HP fandom has changed me because instead of remembering all that effort with pride for my successes and/or guilt over my failures, I was like, “Shit, that’s exhausting!”

In HP fandom, people sometimes discuss things with personal significance, but the majority of what we talk about is characters, themes, and larger issues like forgiveness, mercy, justice, reconciliation, and, um, sex. OK, I guess all of those can have lots of personal significance, but because we are seeing these things though the eyes of fictional characters, it is so much easier to disagree with another person without any hard feelings. There is a lot of "agreeing to diagree" out there in fandom. It's a beautiful thing.

I think I like being a little less careful with others’ feelings. I like that I need to take responsibility for my own reactions to others, and they need to do the same. I’ll never let go of concerning myself with what others think of me. I’ll never suddenly stop thinking about how my words could make others feel excluded. But gosh, I hope that at 31 years old I can finally say my own opinion, born from my own experience, without apology or constant qualifying: (“Of course, not every mom feels this way,” or “Some Christians disagree, but,” or “If you’re a working parent it is different.”) Like I said. It can become exhausting. Let’s just assume that I speak for myself. That other parents/mothers/Christians/Californias/ may feel differently. That I might feel and communicate something in the moment, and with time, I will feel differently about it.

And now for some AU (alternate universe) versions of famous songs. What would happen to art if we asked our artists to keep others’ perspectives in mind when creating?

From NIN (Nine Inch Nails):

Head like a hole!
Black like your soul!
I’d rather die
Than give you control!
[now we could add:
“But I realize you deserve control
Sometimes I just want my own way
Why don’t we try?
Why don’t we trade?”]


And from Alanis Morissette:

And I’m here, to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It’s not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know!
[now we add:
“And I know, that I’m difficult,
And that living with me is not easy
It’s not fair, to expect you
To love me forever when I get so…
So, so, so ANGRY!”]

Other suggestions?

Thanks to Mom Fu for the song ideas.