I will sit by the door.
"You will sit by the door, Mommy," Grace commands me as I kiss her goodnight. She says this every night, and we usually comply in some fashion. Sometimes I respond with, "I will put Natalie to bed/check on Natalie/do the dishes and then come sit by the door, 'kay?" and, of course, upon my return, she's snoozing away.
Lots of times, Scott is the one sitting by the door while I put Natalie down or check email or do dishes. Scott is pretty much always on Grace duty when he's home. If by chance she wakes up in the middle of the night, he's on it. If she needs to have an ow-y kissed, he does it. (How do you speel "ow-y?") I think of it as penance for all those long sleepless months when Grace just wouldn't have anyone but Mommy.
But tonight Scott is out watching Mike play at the Gypsy Lounge and so I got to sit by the door for a bit. These really are precious times. I think of the way Grace longs for closeness with us and I am beginning to really realize that this will end all too soon. Sometimes it can be suffocating: "Mommy nurse! Up, Mommy, up! You sit by the door, Mommy," etc. But I know this strange mother-daughter relationship is evolving like all mother-daughter relationships do. I also hear her insist, "Gracie do it myself!" and "No, Mommy, I want Daddy do it," more and more often. And I recognize that my role is partly to respond to her requests, and partly to encourage her to grow on her own.
How will this drama unfold at age 15? My father-in-law has insightfully noted that there will likely be a clash of wills heading our way, since Grace and Mommy are both so, well, strong-willed, let's say. We agreed the other night that age 2 and age 15 will probably be the toughest.
But if it is true that Grace and I are on a crash-course for disaster in 13 years, (and I agree that it is likely), how can I use her desire for my companionship, approval, and attention to strengthen our relationship now? I don't mean "strengthen" in the sense that I need to do more for her. Good God, is that even possible?! I mean "strengthen" in the healthiest way--that I want us on super-solid footing in preparation for those turbulent years.
I want her to know that I will "sit by the door" by being present during a tough time in her life, but that Mom also has other interests and needs besides her children. I want to "nurse her" by inviting affection from her when she needs to reconnect, long after she is weaned, but also that there are other people in our lives that will want my affection, and hers. And I hope that these years of intensity and high-investment parenting will pay off down the road: that my daughters will know how to communicate their needs in their relationships, and will be confident that they are worthy of those needs being met--not only by me, but also by the other people they choose to walk with in life.
Lots of times, Scott is the one sitting by the door while I put Natalie down or check email or do dishes. Scott is pretty much always on Grace duty when he's home. If by chance she wakes up in the middle of the night, he's on it. If she needs to have an ow-y kissed, he does it. (How do you speel "ow-y?") I think of it as penance for all those long sleepless months when Grace just wouldn't have anyone but Mommy.
But tonight Scott is out watching Mike play at the Gypsy Lounge and so I got to sit by the door for a bit. These really are precious times. I think of the way Grace longs for closeness with us and I am beginning to really realize that this will end all too soon. Sometimes it can be suffocating: "Mommy nurse! Up, Mommy, up! You sit by the door, Mommy," etc. But I know this strange mother-daughter relationship is evolving like all mother-daughter relationships do. I also hear her insist, "Gracie do it myself!" and "No, Mommy, I want Daddy do it," more and more often. And I recognize that my role is partly to respond to her requests, and partly to encourage her to grow on her own.
How will this drama unfold at age 15? My father-in-law has insightfully noted that there will likely be a clash of wills heading our way, since Grace and Mommy are both so, well, strong-willed, let's say. We agreed the other night that age 2 and age 15 will probably be the toughest.
But if it is true that Grace and I are on a crash-course for disaster in 13 years, (and I agree that it is likely), how can I use her desire for my companionship, approval, and attention to strengthen our relationship now? I don't mean "strengthen" in the sense that I need to do more for her. Good God, is that even possible?! I mean "strengthen" in the healthiest way--that I want us on super-solid footing in preparation for those turbulent years.
I want her to know that I will "sit by the door" by being present during a tough time in her life, but that Mom also has other interests and needs besides her children. I want to "nurse her" by inviting affection from her when she needs to reconnect, long after she is weaned, but also that there are other people in our lives that will want my affection, and hers. And I hope that these years of intensity and high-investment parenting will pay off down the road: that my daughters will know how to communicate their needs in their relationships, and will be confident that they are worthy of those needs being met--not only by me, but also by the other people they choose to walk with in life.
posted by Sarah at 9:27 PM
2 Comments:
What a great entry! I don't think that you are guaranteed to clash just because Grace will be a teenager. You are such a calm, and open mom that Grace will likely come to you for your loving influence, and seek it out. You are an amazing mom!
We are destined to clash not because she will be a teenager, but because we are so similar in our strong will, insistance on being in the right, ability to (obsession with?) bend others to our will, etc. But she also so strongly wants my affection and comfort...it is an interesting mix. Time will tell how it will all unfold!
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