Finding community in conservative OC
It's time to share a little of my personal journey to find my peeps. You know it when you find your own kind. Sure, everyone needs to branch out and have friends that stretch them philosophically, politically, and spiritually. I'm all for diversity and learning new things. But enough is enough. Where are my peeps!?
You really could see this coming. I did choose to move to conservative Orange County. I knew I was moving to a place that has, like, one feminist every few blocks or so. I think Scott and I are the token ones for all of Forest Creek, our "Lake Forest II Community." And I was moving here without a job (no work community) and with two very young children that nap at different times, thus keeping me homebound most days. The cards were stacked against me.
"So, how's your new place?" People ask. "How do you like Orange County?" I make an expression that says "I'm adjusting," and then I say, "It's a good spot for this stage of life. So many other stay-at-home moms. So much to do with little kids..." My voice trails off. My listener isn't sure whether or not to probe. I add, "I just haven't found my peeps, you know? My people."
It's not that I haven't tried. I am a card carrying member of the Lake Forest MOMS Club. I joined an Attachment Parenting playgroup. I joined La Leche League. I made myself order business cards that have my name, my kids' names, my contact info, and a little blue wagon on them. I've probably passed out like 20 to moms who ask for my number at the park or Ikea or story time at the library. Not one of these moms has called me back. It's almost like they thought I was cool until I pulled out a stay-at-home mom card. Then they give me this freaky look with a strained smile that says, "I was going to call you but now I realize you're weird and I must get my kids to my car immediately."
Hey, it's not my fault. I can not be relied upon to have spare paper and a pen when I barely remember to bring diapers out with me. But making new friends in mom-world is a little like dating. Do you ask for her number? Does she seem like she's worth the effort? Do her kids have normal names, or are they Jaeden, Brayden, or Shaylin? (I actually did meet two nice moms with kids who were named two on that list. So it is possible to give your child an oh-so-trendy, slightly unique, but really just a new twist on an old name and still be a nice woman.) But you seriously evaluate all these things. It's not that I am that picky; I just already have met so many women who are nice enough and smart enough, but prefer to discuss American Idol rather than the Alito nomination. They don't even know who Alito is and what he is nominated for. (Go search NPR for him if you fall ito that category.)
They may have serious thoughts at home, but they don't share them at playgroup. They perk up when I mention I am looking for a church and whole-heartedly recommend Saddleback, Canyon Hills, Voyager, or any one of a number of contemporary yet theologically conservative mega-churches in the area. This is another problem. I either find alterna-mommas, who wouldn't set foot in a church if you promised her a free tatoo out of the deal, or uber conservative mommas, who either agree with the fundamentalist positions of their churches, or worse, don't care to find out that their church leaders are anti-gay, won't let women be leaders, don't believe in evolution, and think that saying the words, "Jesus is my personal savior" is the only ticket to heaven, regardless of the fact that they often aren't being half as open or inclusive as Jesus was.
My heart hurts because I know I am judging others as I write these things. The truth is that I enjoy meeting women of all types--yes, even the uber conservative ones. In fact, my best friend so far here is a fundamentalist who defers to her husband in all ways amd gasped when she found out I taught evolution as a science teacher. She also parents very differently from me, putting her newborn on a 4 hour feeding schedule. Regardless of how hard he is crying, she makes him wait until it's time to feed again. Afterall, he "needs to learn patience." But she loves to discuss serious philosophical matters with me, is a ton of fun, has the kindest heart I've ever met, isn't weirded out when I want to pray with my kids at random moments, and lives around the corner. So I am not anti-fundamentalist; I just also need to find balance and meet, you know, my peeps.
Part of the problem is that I had it so good in San Diego. My church community rocked. My best friends were progressive Christians, playing music for people in jail, cooking for battered women at a shelter, running youth programs that connected teens with kids of other faiths. They go to dinner with their gay friends, stay out late to hear a new local band that is on the rise, meet for Bible study to rethink the literal interpretations of Revelation, want to become doulas, and know what Taize is. And they are close enough, geographically, for me to see them every so often. Perhaps I am relying on them to fill the space that should eventually be filled by people in my new community.
This week, I think, might be a turning point in my search for my peeps her in OC. Three things happened that are promising. 1: I emailed our new priest and shared my frustration with not meeting progressive Christian moms, and he gave me the names of some moms at our church who are "right up my alley." 2: I ran into two AP moms, who are also nursing their toddlers, twice this week. They seem refreshingly light hearted but very intentional about their parenting approach and they live nearby(!) 3: We started a music class with an old childhood friend of Scott's and her toddler, and I love her. And as a bonus, the class is in Costa Mesa, and all the other moms there were, I don't know, normal, I guess. A few of them go to church together at the local Unitarian Universalist Church. All of them seemed put together but none seemed overly conscious of fashion. They all were having fun bouncing up and down on the floor with their kids and weren't cliquey, even though I missed the first class and they had all met the week before.
I'll keep you posted. If I haven't alientated any possible OC friends who are reading this blog, I might just find my peeps yet.
You really could see this coming. I did choose to move to conservative Orange County. I knew I was moving to a place that has, like, one feminist every few blocks or so. I think Scott and I are the token ones for all of Forest Creek, our "Lake Forest II Community." And I was moving here without a job (no work community) and with two very young children that nap at different times, thus keeping me homebound most days. The cards were stacked against me.
"So, how's your new place?" People ask. "How do you like Orange County?" I make an expression that says "I'm adjusting," and then I say, "It's a good spot for this stage of life. So many other stay-at-home moms. So much to do with little kids..." My voice trails off. My listener isn't sure whether or not to probe. I add, "I just haven't found my peeps, you know? My people."
It's not that I haven't tried. I am a card carrying member of the Lake Forest MOMS Club. I joined an Attachment Parenting playgroup. I joined La Leche League. I made myself order business cards that have my name, my kids' names, my contact info, and a little blue wagon on them. I've probably passed out like 20 to moms who ask for my number at the park or Ikea or story time at the library. Not one of these moms has called me back. It's almost like they thought I was cool until I pulled out a stay-at-home mom card. Then they give me this freaky look with a strained smile that says, "I was going to call you but now I realize you're weird and I must get my kids to my car immediately."
Hey, it's not my fault. I can not be relied upon to have spare paper and a pen when I barely remember to bring diapers out with me. But making new friends in mom-world is a little like dating. Do you ask for her number? Does she seem like she's worth the effort? Do her kids have normal names, or are they Jaeden, Brayden, or Shaylin? (I actually did meet two nice moms with kids who were named two on that list. So it is possible to give your child an oh-so-trendy, slightly unique, but really just a new twist on an old name and still be a nice woman.) But you seriously evaluate all these things. It's not that I am that picky; I just already have met so many women who are nice enough and smart enough, but prefer to discuss American Idol rather than the Alito nomination. They don't even know who Alito is and what he is nominated for. (Go search NPR for him if you fall ito that category.)
They may have serious thoughts at home, but they don't share them at playgroup. They perk up when I mention I am looking for a church and whole-heartedly recommend Saddleback, Canyon Hills, Voyager, or any one of a number of contemporary yet theologically conservative mega-churches in the area. This is another problem. I either find alterna-mommas, who wouldn't set foot in a church if you promised her a free tatoo out of the deal, or uber conservative mommas, who either agree with the fundamentalist positions of their churches, or worse, don't care to find out that their church leaders are anti-gay, won't let women be leaders, don't believe in evolution, and think that saying the words, "Jesus is my personal savior" is the only ticket to heaven, regardless of the fact that they often aren't being half as open or inclusive as Jesus was.
My heart hurts because I know I am judging others as I write these things. The truth is that I enjoy meeting women of all types--yes, even the uber conservative ones. In fact, my best friend so far here is a fundamentalist who defers to her husband in all ways amd gasped when she found out I taught evolution as a science teacher. She also parents very differently from me, putting her newborn on a 4 hour feeding schedule. Regardless of how hard he is crying, she makes him wait until it's time to feed again. Afterall, he "needs to learn patience." But she loves to discuss serious philosophical matters with me, is a ton of fun, has the kindest heart I've ever met, isn't weirded out when I want to pray with my kids at random moments, and lives around the corner. So I am not anti-fundamentalist; I just also need to find balance and meet, you know, my peeps.
Part of the problem is that I had it so good in San Diego. My church community rocked. My best friends were progressive Christians, playing music for people in jail, cooking for battered women at a shelter, running youth programs that connected teens with kids of other faiths. They go to dinner with their gay friends, stay out late to hear a new local band that is on the rise, meet for Bible study to rethink the literal interpretations of Revelation, want to become doulas, and know what Taize is. And they are close enough, geographically, for me to see them every so often. Perhaps I am relying on them to fill the space that should eventually be filled by people in my new community.
This week, I think, might be a turning point in my search for my peeps her in OC. Three things happened that are promising. 1: I emailed our new priest and shared my frustration with not meeting progressive Christian moms, and he gave me the names of some moms at our church who are "right up my alley." 2: I ran into two AP moms, who are also nursing their toddlers, twice this week. They seem refreshingly light hearted but very intentional about their parenting approach and they live nearby(!) 3: We started a music class with an old childhood friend of Scott's and her toddler, and I love her. And as a bonus, the class is in Costa Mesa, and all the other moms there were, I don't know, normal, I guess. A few of them go to church together at the local Unitarian Universalist Church. All of them seemed put together but none seemed overly conscious of fashion. They all were having fun bouncing up and down on the floor with their kids and weren't cliquey, even though I missed the first class and they had all met the week before.
I'll keep you posted. If I haven't alientated any possible OC friends who are reading this blog, I might just find my peeps yet.
posted by Sarah at 12:36 PM
6 Comments:
I'm sorry it has been so tough to meet your "peeps" in the OC. I have also struggled with finding anyone that I click with since moving away from our group of friends in San Diego. Man, we had it good. Being the token conservative of the group, I loved having a mental sparring match with you and our other uber-liberal, vegan marathon runners about hot topics. I sure miss that and hope I find my "peeps" when we move again this summer...because two years of having no peeps has taken its toll on me, and I need a recharge. Love and miss you tons. Scott (not the husband).
PS-You are making the right parenting decisions and are an incredible mommy. The payback for doing the right thing and not following the trend will be well-adjusted, smart, friendly, and nice kids (which they already are). Keep up the good work.
I'm a lurker here - hi!
Can never understand how evolution fits with Christian beliefs.
Hope that you find your peeps - I so know what you mean about finding that difficult.
Oh Sarah!
You make me miss you so much! You are my peeps. Why did you move away!
Scott-Hi! It's funny that you are a Republican, but I also considered you part of "my peeps" in SD. I think the reason it was okay is that we hold the same values, but perhaps disagree on how to arrive at them. You take politics and spirituality seriously, and are open-minded. I think it is the OC people who are too superficial to even care that much that are really getting to me. Plus, you may have been our token conservative, but you are not a fundamentalist Christian. There is a difference.
To Anon: Thanks for commenting. Come back and stick in your 2 cents any time. I think I'll tackle your point about reconciling evolution with Christianity in a future post. Thanks for the idea!
Michelle: I miss you too!
my selfish thought is that maybe we need less to replace what is out of our reach and more to make that reach less reachy. like, hanging out more often.
but otherwise, i definitely feel your pain. i feel like i, too, and feeling a void of having you so close to me, and that i'm struggling to (and whether to!) find someone else to fill that.
much love to you. you could always just raise your daughters to listen to NPR and talk to them about Tess Viglund's latest at dinner time.
Hi Sarah - I'm an APOC member - and I'm not sure if we've met. I'm reading your blog as my one year old pukes on me. I love this post, and I hope that you've found some peeps by now... there are some of us with similar viewpoints in the group, but there since there are a huge variety of viewpoints, I think I'm quieter on my politics and spirituality than I ever was before.
I am a recovering Lutheran minister's daughter (I come from Lake Woebegone) and a member of the Unity of Tustin community now, and I've found that it's a great spiritual center for our family. Unlike Saddleback or the other big evangelicals, Unity is not for everyone and it doesn't try to be. I think eolution fits in perfectly with the Unity cosmology. (eek - I look like a lurking proselytizer here...)
I've gotten used making the NPR radio commentators my friends (I actually emailed in a question to Larry Mantle on KPCC yesterday). I also write on my alma mater's (Reed - you wouldn't happen to be a Reedie, would ou?) online forum.
Mom's work can just be really isolating. We hang out with nannies when we go to the park in our neighborhood - I'm learning Spanish. My main mommy friend here is an extremely conservative La Leche League leader, but I haven't been out of the house in almost a week because I've got sickies.
OK must run, the two year old started hurling.
Much love,
Candace Schaffer Lieber
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