An Open Letter to the Woman Who Approached Me on Sunday at Tulley's Coffee in Irvine
Your strategy, (if that's what that was) aside, could you explain to me what was so offensive about my 3 month old baby being hungry and me nursing her at a coffee shop? Were you offended because you could see my breast? Well, you couldn't see it. Even when you peered over my shoulder when you came in the coffee shop (I assume to confirm that I really was doing THAT), you couldn't see any more of my breast that you could a woman who was wearing a strapless dress or a spaghetti strap top. In fact, I was more covered than a woman wearing one of those, since my shoulders were covered. My baby's head, which is much larger than my breast (not that you'd know, since you COULDN'T SEE MY BREAST) was totally covering my breast. So no, you couldn't see my breast.
Is it that nursing, itself, is indecent to you? That nourishing a baby with God and nature's perfect "formula" is wrong in and of itself? That can't be it; after all, nursing is the purpose of breasts.
Is it that nursing might be provocative because it draws others' attention to thinking about my breasts? Well, then, even if I were to "get some decency and at least cover myself up or something," as you so ignorantly implored me to do, men in the coffee shop would still know what I was doing, and if that made them think about breasts in general, so be it. Think of all the provocative dressers there are out there, enhancing their bodies with a push up bra showing more cleavage than you could ever see from a nursing mom. Think about the short skirts that draw the eye up a woman's leg. Would you angrily tell those women that they are being indecent because their dress may encourage some men to think about sexual things?
Like my friend Rebecca said, we really do live in a bipolar society. It's okay for scantily clad women to be on every bus stop billboard. We see more cleavage by flipping through a magazine than at any breast-feeding support group! But heaven forbid a woman actually discreetly uses her breast for nourishing her baby, because then, suddenly, breasts are indecent.
Perhaps your issue is that, as my husband proposes, you are insecure and are worried that your husband might have tried to sneak a peak at my breast since I was nursing in public. Well, if your husband might do that, then he probably sneaks way more peaks at other women wearing less than I was wearing at the time. And you shouldn't be so insecure, if that's what it was, since you are a beautiful 30-something woman with a very friendly smile and a nice, athletic body (I could see a lot of your body since you were wearing very short shorts...hmm...). In fact, you seemed so warm when you came up to me that it took me several seconds to stop smiling as it dawned on my that you were actually insulting me.
So I implore you, don't be offended by the chance of seeing my breast when it was completely covered. Don't be concerned that nursing is indecent when it is how God designed my body to feed my baby. And don't be worried about your husband thinking of boobies when he saw me nursing; he likely didn't think of it sexually anyway, and sees more of other women's cleavage anyway.
And I also would like to suggest an alternative strategy. If your goal was to get me to stop nursing in public or to wear a parachute over my body while doing it, next time try this. Approach me and ask how old my adorable baby is. Ooh and ah as I tell you a little bit about her. Then say, almost apologetically, "You may not be aware of this, but sometimes other people feel uncomfortable when they see women nursing in public. I don't mean to embarrass you by bringing it up, but I feel I should tell you that I was uncomfortable when I came in and saw that you were nursing. You obviously seem to be a good mom and I know you are just trying to feed your little (don't forget 'adorable') baby, but I can't leave without at least making you aware that others are uncomfortable." Then I might have been able to have a conversation with you about it, instead of you running out after assaulting me with your insult (I have no decency? Do you even know me?) leaving me no time to even apologize or defend myself.
I disagree with your intent (to get me to nurse in private only) but I disagree more with your strategy, since it cut off all possible dialogue between us and ruined the potential for either of us to change our behaviors to be less offensive to the other person. Perhaps as you are navigating through the internet one day, searching for other people who hate breastfeeding in public as much as you do, some key word you type in will deliver you to my blog, where you will recognize yourself in this letter. If that happens, please email me so that we can have the dialogue we should have had on Sunday morning--a conversation where actual change might result, as opposed to more bitter resolve and hurt feelings.
Sincerely, Sarah Roby
Is it that nursing, itself, is indecent to you? That nourishing a baby with God and nature's perfect "formula" is wrong in and of itself? That can't be it; after all, nursing is the purpose of breasts.
Is it that nursing might be provocative because it draws others' attention to thinking about my breasts? Well, then, even if I were to "get some decency and at least cover myself up or something," as you so ignorantly implored me to do, men in the coffee shop would still know what I was doing, and if that made them think about breasts in general, so be it. Think of all the provocative dressers there are out there, enhancing their bodies with a push up bra showing more cleavage than you could ever see from a nursing mom. Think about the short skirts that draw the eye up a woman's leg. Would you angrily tell those women that they are being indecent because their dress may encourage some men to think about sexual things?
Like my friend Rebecca said, we really do live in a bipolar society. It's okay for scantily clad women to be on every bus stop billboard. We see more cleavage by flipping through a magazine than at any breast-feeding support group! But heaven forbid a woman actually discreetly uses her breast for nourishing her baby, because then, suddenly, breasts are indecent.
Perhaps your issue is that, as my husband proposes, you are insecure and are worried that your husband might have tried to sneak a peak at my breast since I was nursing in public. Well, if your husband might do that, then he probably sneaks way more peaks at other women wearing less than I was wearing at the time. And you shouldn't be so insecure, if that's what it was, since you are a beautiful 30-something woman with a very friendly smile and a nice, athletic body (I could see a lot of your body since you were wearing very short shorts...hmm...). In fact, you seemed so warm when you came up to me that it took me several seconds to stop smiling as it dawned on my that you were actually insulting me.
So I implore you, don't be offended by the chance of seeing my breast when it was completely covered. Don't be concerned that nursing is indecent when it is how God designed my body to feed my baby. And don't be worried about your husband thinking of boobies when he saw me nursing; he likely didn't think of it sexually anyway, and sees more of other women's cleavage anyway.
And I also would like to suggest an alternative strategy. If your goal was to get me to stop nursing in public or to wear a parachute over my body while doing it, next time try this. Approach me and ask how old my adorable baby is. Ooh and ah as I tell you a little bit about her. Then say, almost apologetically, "You may not be aware of this, but sometimes other people feel uncomfortable when they see women nursing in public. I don't mean to embarrass you by bringing it up, but I feel I should tell you that I was uncomfortable when I came in and saw that you were nursing. You obviously seem to be a good mom and I know you are just trying to feed your little (don't forget 'adorable') baby, but I can't leave without at least making you aware that others are uncomfortable." Then I might have been able to have a conversation with you about it, instead of you running out after assaulting me with your insult (I have no decency? Do you even know me?) leaving me no time to even apologize or defend myself.
I disagree with your intent (to get me to nurse in private only) but I disagree more with your strategy, since it cut off all possible dialogue between us and ruined the potential for either of us to change our behaviors to be less offensive to the other person. Perhaps as you are navigating through the internet one day, searching for other people who hate breastfeeding in public as much as you do, some key word you type in will deliver you to my blog, where you will recognize yourself in this letter. If that happens, please email me so that we can have the dialogue we should have had on Sunday morning--a conversation where actual change might result, as opposed to more bitter resolve and hurt feelings.
Sincerely, Sarah Roby
posted by Sarah at 9:18 PM
4 Comments:
I am so proud of you for putting exactly into words what you needed to say. I am so excited for you that you are blogging. You need to include your stranger park confessionals as well.
I am too. I think it is a beautiful thing to see a mother breastfeeding her child. I wish more women did it, so it wouldn't be so "taboo" and "uncomfortable." You are an amazing woman. As a man, I, for one, find breastfeeding a perfectly normal thing and totally non-sexual. I mean, what's more natural than a woman feeding her child? Keep up the great work...great blog.
I can't stop telling people about this story! I'm going to have to start sending your link around, Sarah.
YOU ROCK!!!! and i created a blog just to tell you that because i can't comment anonymously. :) but it was THAT IMPORTANT for me to tell you that you ROCK and that you are showing a lot of understanding and restraint. my title, if this had happened to me, would have been "an open letter to the ignortant b!tch who approached me on sunday... etc." you are a very patient educator!
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