Aware Now
The stage lights have been brought down in my brain by the receding post-partum hormone levels, and I feel like I am the one who just was born. Born into full motherhood, born into loving that motherhood, born into dwelling in a place of peace with it all. True, you say, I've been a mother for 22 months and 4 days now, but I am only recently a mother of two (2 months exactly) and this is just....well, different. Since dd#2 was born, I feel like there have been these glaring lights on me and my kids, the kind that illuminate you to others but make it hard for you to see anything clearly yourself. But things changed this week due to my realization that I am dependent on alcohol.
Yes, I am a nursing mom; no, I am not an alcoholic or a crazed/unhappy/middle-aged desperate housewife. It's only 2 drinks a night, but I rely on them as though my life depended on it. I actually called my husband, who was at the store, to tell him to pick up wine or beer or something, when we actually had plenty in the house. I was afraid of getting through dinner and the rest of the evening without a drink or two.
So I realized all of this about a week ago but did nothing about it. Continued life as normal. But it struck me earlier this week that my reason for needing the drink(s) was that my life was stressful. Well, this is true; it is. Because I let it be. You know how you have days where all these little things go wrong and one more thing happens and you start yelling or crying? Motherhood was feeling like that every single day to me. But then I awoke one morning and realized that my response to all the moments that go right needs to be at least as strong as my response to the moments that go wrong.
Moments that go wrong =
Yes, I am a nursing mom; no, I am not an alcoholic or a crazed/unhappy/middle-aged desperate housewife. It's only 2 drinks a night, but I rely on them as though my life depended on it. I actually called my husband, who was at the store, to tell him to pick up wine or beer or something, when we actually had plenty in the house. I was afraid of getting through dinner and the rest of the evening without a drink or two.
So I realized all of this about a week ago but did nothing about it. Continued life as normal. But it struck me earlier this week that my reason for needing the drink(s) was that my life was stressful. Well, this is true; it is. Because I let it be. You know how you have days where all these little things go wrong and one more thing happens and you start yelling or crying? Motherhood was feeling like that every single day to me. But then I awoke one morning and realized that my response to all the moments that go right needs to be at least as strong as my response to the moments that go wrong.
Moments that go wrong =
- Losing my keys for the 3rd time in a day
- Natalie crying in the car
- Grace crying just because Natalie is crying
- Forgetting to reload the diaper bag
- Grace dumping her snack all over the park
- Natalie not sleeping
Moments that go right =
- Grace climbing to the top of a ladder, turning around, and shouting, "I did it, Mama!"
- A parking spot opening right in front of the center where La Leche is meeting
- La Leche League in general
- Natalie lying in bed next to me, and smiling at me after nursing
- Coming upstairs and seeing Natalie asleep cuddled next to a sleeping Scott
- Both girls sleeping long enough for me to start blogging
So my new goal is to become addicted to seeing and pointing out the moments that go right. This should ward off any other unhealthy addictions that were brewing. I am aware now.
posted by Sarah at 3:37 PM
2 Comments:
sarah! lots to comment on. first of all, i am thankful that you started a blog. second of all, i'm therefore thankful that the girls are sleeping.
i'm actually glad that your first reaction to this wasn't to treat the drinks as the problem, and eliminate that. and not just because then we wouldn't be able to have those lengthy wine-soaked discussions about ev.er.y.thing :-). ...but because you're "aware" enough to know that (for you) it's a symptom, not a problem. true, in many, many cases it is the problem, but this way you're going to work on why your days are so stressful, and what you can do to make stressful times so much happier.
i really admire you for your positive outlook.
grace is so cute: "I did it, mama!"
I think you are so brave to decide to share your life with the world! You are an amazing woman who has so much to give to her family. Kimberly and I miss you and your family so much, and this is a great way for us to feel like we are a part of your everyday life.
As for the alcohol, I too have struggled at times with how much I imbibe. There was a time that I felt I "needed" to have a drink to relax...often to excess (and forgetful nights!). I know that my relationships with my wife and my friends suffered from it, so I personally have reduced my intake to the "social" drink. It seems to work for me most times, but I sure enjoy tossing a few back at a party!
I love the blog...keep it up.
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